Changing the World

"People who really want to make a difference in the world usually do it, in one way or another. And I've noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren't determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they're satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world." - Kisses from Katie

Giving Back

Christmas is a time of generosity, kindness, and love. And most people want to be creative in their gift giving, yet they don't know where to start, especially if you're hoping to give more than just a gift.

There are some incredible gifts this year that will not only impress those receiving, but will also impact the world for the better. Take a look at these items/services and continue putting your money to something bigger and better this year. 

Each one of these gifts has the potential to radically change a life.

1. World Vision gives you the opportunity to give a gift that keeps on giving. Purchasing a goat, chicken, or any combination of farm animals for a family gives them a chance to not only provide for themselves (through milk, eggs, etc.), but to also sell extra eggs, chicks, or milk to help pay for the basics of daily life. Prices range from $16-2,500.

2. Pecans on Peachtree helps raise money for patient-related programs at The Shepherd Center through the selling of Georgia-grown pecans. The Shepherd Center is one of the top 10 rehabilitation centers in the nation, and specializes in medical treatment, research, and rehabilitation for people with spinal cord injury, brain injury, multiple sclerosis and other neuromuscular disorders.

3. If you're familiar with the Hutu and Tutsi tribes in Rwanda, then you should also become familiar with Land of a Thousand Hills coffee. Land of a Thousand Hills has brought together these life-long enemies to work on coffee plantations throughout the country. The Forgiveness School is a school being built in Rwanda in order to foster the continued reconciliation of these two tribes. Be a part of the Forgiveness Wins campaign by purchasing a square foot of the Forgiveness School. 

4. Sevenly's goal is to "harness the power of art and community to build sustainable awareness and fund movements that support charities in their efforts to change the world." Each week you can purchase clothing, and $14 will go towards the charity being sponsored that week. Charities of the past include Knots of Love, Autism or cancer research, and sex-trafficking awareness. 

5. The goal of Heifer International is to work with communities to end hunger and poverty. Through Heifer International, you can purchase anything from an animal to clean water to education for a child to a knitter's gift basket. Their approach is holistic and directed at sustainable solutions that impact whole communities.

6. The Invisible Children is an organization that is working to raise awareness of the LRA in Uganda. They have a variety of products that go towards the betterment of Uganda, and the disarming of Joseph Kony and the LRA from abducting and killing civilians at an alarming rate.   

7. Plywood People is a seller of fair trade goods, all of which are under $50 and support different US craftspeople and companies.

8. International Justice Mission is a human rights agency that brings rescue to victims of slavery, sexual exploitation, and other forms of violent oppression. This year you can buy an 'Aftercare Package' for someone who has recently been rescued from the sex slave trade. Another gift idea is for $24, you can pay for IJM workers to be present in a community one more day in the hopes of rescuing women and children in one of these harmful environments. 

9. TOMS - Through the purchase of one pair of shoes, you donate a pair of shoes to someone in need. 

Merry Christmas and happy shopping!  

Grateful

Today, I am grateful. 

So I am making a great and noble attempt at being more thankful each and every day. In an effort not to miss a moment of life's beauty.

Let Hope In

This is a blog post by Taylor Bashta that has been encouraging me this week. Mull it over and let me know what you think.

"Let hope Arise and make the darkness hide. My Faith is dead I need a resurrection somehow".

This has been a very controversial line in "Like a Lion". David Crowder sang the line at Passion, but several other worship guys have asked if they could change the line from "my faith is dead" to my "my faith is cold". Daniel said yes of course, if they feel like that line is better for where they are playing, then that is what is most important.

But I've been thinking about this very thing lately. Hope. And Faith.

Hope has become Daniel's anthem. It is written on his guitar. It is written on his arm.

It's the cry of our heart that through his music Hope will spring up!

There is something that I am hoping for in my life right now.

And I honestly struggle with letting hope in, because I fear disappointment. I fear pain.

When I start to feel the little flutters of hope, I shut them down, preferring to think "It probably won't happen" because then I'll be surprised if it does. That feels safe. But is that right? Sometimes my faith does feel dead.

Let Hope arise and MAKE the darkness hide. I like that idea better!

I was running last week and praying about all of this. D and I are attempting to train for the Nashville half marathon- we shall see. But I've had a lot of time to think as I run.

My conversation with God went something like this-

"God how do I let hope come in? I'm so afraid of being sad, disappointed, hurt, etc.! But I want to hope! I don't want the enemy to have any place in my heart or mind or emotions- I want your hope. But I'm scared." -sounds like a little girl- but it's how I felt.

I felt like he said this. Taylor, 

all you are responsible for is letting yourself hope- let it grow inside of you! Let faith arise, don't be afraid. And if it doesn't happen when you think it should- let me take care of your heart. Leave it to me".

Are you hoping for something? Take the risk and dare to hope. Let that faith spring up.

If the worst happens- God will take care of our hearts.

But somehow I think through hope- miracles are coming!

Dreams Happening

First of all, I love handwriting fonts. If I could always write in one, I would, because they just feel more personal. And it makes me feel like I'm writing a letter to a friend. Which I sort of am, just in a very public way.

*     *     *     *     *

So most of you know that I work for a really incredible company. The perks are through the roof, and I couldn't be more well taken care of. Our clients are amazing, my team is so supportive, and I get to work alongside some of the best of the best in the marketing automation industry.

But when I first started, it was a hard transition. Going from a small non-profit to a rapidly growing software company was a huge jump. The job responsibilities, work environment, office space, and team were all completely different. My job here has always felt right and good, it has just been a completely different change of pace.

And as its gone on, I feel like the Lord has slowly revealed pieces to me about why I'm here. I know the work I do is good, and I'm a valuable member of our team, but as always, I want to find the Lord's heart here. What is His goal for us, and how can I be a part of it? At one point I felt so overwhelmed with the transition that I wasn't even sure I wanted to pray that prayer, or ask for what His heart was. But I got there. And the Lord was so patient to let me step into that place as slowly as I needed to.

And every few weeks I feel like another layer of perspective has been given to me.

One day I found an article on corporate culture and sent it over to our 'Culture Czar' (or in layman's terms, Office Manager). And that started a dialog about things that are important to me in the workplace, and I remember mentioning financial assistance for adoption. I knew that that was something I would do regardless of being financially supported by my employer, but why not mention it? And all that did was start a dialog between her and I. And her heart to also adopt, as she lived in Africa for several years, met her husband over there, and is really passionate about adopting from that same country to keep it as part of their history. So she mentioned checking into what other companies offer, which at the time was awesome.

Throughout that next week/weekend I felt like God was telling me that some of the reasons I am here, have not yet been set into motion. The adoption assistance being my first example of something that is not yet here or a part of our corporate culture, but it's coming. And its the cloud the size of a man's fist on the horizon.

Several weeks later our maternity plan changed, and so did our work-from-home policy. Both of which make it so much easier to still be a part of this company, yet pursue a family without the threat of losing my job or going unpaid for any amount of time. Having a family is so much a part of my heart right now that those are things that feel like kisses from heaven to me. I love feeling like I am supported as a person, not just as an employee.

Yesterday we had a new girl start who will be in charge of community outreach programs and volunteer opportunities for our company. I've heard about this position for awhile, but just figured it would be Habitat for Humanity type projects each quarter or runs for causes on the weekends. Little did I know, this girl was coming to us from Land of a Thousand Hills. Having managed coffee projects all over the world, and having worked closely with the 410 Bridge for years. So not only is she a believer, but her heart is missions. And part of her job description is to plan an international TRIP for us to go on to serve. The trip can't be religiously based, but there are some amazing alternatives that we have that we're hoping to explore (Land of a Thousand Hills coffee projects being one). I shared with her a little bit of my experience working for 410 and managing all trips to Haiti, and she casually mentioned me helping lead a team for Pardot in the future.

I'm sorry... WHAT!? An international service trip, through my secular company, that I get to be a part of? Are you kidding? This is incredible!

So there's another layer down, and it happens to line up so perfectly with my heart. Which is funny because I told Patrick I feel like I'm not really dreaming right now. I am happy with where I'm at and what I'm doing, yet haven't been provoked to keep dreaming. To keep pursuing the things of God. And to continually make the choice to intentionally be a part of something bigger than myself. And as if the Lord heard that uttering, Karen from Land of a Thousand Hills stepped into my life.

I have no idea where this will lead or if it will amount to anything, but God has continually shown himself faithful throughout my time here. And I have full confidence that there is still more up His sleeve to show me. I am just so blessed to work for such an amazing company, and I pray that you too will find this level of satisfaction in your stage of life. Even if you never think that its possible, I promise you that it is. Just keep looking for God's heart, and be ready to find it in the most unlikely of places.

Friends, Furniture and Marcy

My heart is so full these days. I'm about to tell Marcy the counselor that I'm on the up and up, but each week we meet we dive further into my heart and my relationships, which leaves me longing to move into her bedroom and sleep beside her bed. Yeah, she's that good. And I love that she's real, and not calculated. I don't feel that she's overcome with strategies for me, I just feel like we're in a relationship. Where I can continually give feedback, ask questions, yell profanities, or bake her cookies. And it's that kind of relationship that is life changing. So I might stick close to her for a few more months, and just let her love on me and tell me I'm okay. Because really that's all I want to hear sometimes. 

Last weekend I snapped a few pictures of Melanie, Jessica and I at Evie's wedding, our dearest roommate from college. Moon Unit, Diva Muffin, Lil Pixie, and BOP were all present and accounted for, and happily bid Evie farewell down the road to marriage. And no wedding/roommate/brothel celebration would be complete without spending the night together, and having a great breakfast in the morning. I love when I know that friends love me for me, and would know in a heartbeat if I pretended to be any different. If we were drinking together, I would toast to them. But my toast would last 6 hours and everyone else would leave. And then we'd probably have a quick lesson in how to keep kids off the street. 

And then there's this one. My beloved husband. Who is always hilarious when he tries not to be, and hardly funny when he works at it. This earned me 1923719364 likes on instagram. And by 9182734192873 I mean 25. But those were a proud 25 I'm sure. 

Patrick's brother Bryan receiving his awards and diploma from flight school graduation.

My feeble attempt at art journaling. That looked so much better on the blog picture I was copying. :)

We had an amazing small group this week with our dear friend Marty Barrett. WHO IS NUTS. But so wonderful and funny and odd at the same time. He is the one who bathed Patrick and I in the Holy Spirit before we got married, and we both started speaking in tongues at one of his worship services. He truly is a spiritual father to us, and one we will always treasure. 

This past weekend we did more things than I can count. One of which was having these 4 over for dinner. We stayed up later than I've stayed up in years, and we even had the honor of Daniel and Liz SLEEP OVER. Which meant we stayed up later, had a big breakfast together, watched every youtube video we could imagine, and I gave a quick rendition of one of my high school step routines. It was pretty spectacular. 

Soooo I've never re-done a piece of furniture. Ever. And when someone said to buy cheesecloth or wax for my project, I had to google that. 

So here is our newest Craig's List treasure (that my dad is convinced will turn into some form of fire kindling if I don't better develop my refurbishing skills before unleashing on this beauty). My goal is to paint it black and distress it a bit. But I attempted to use a paint stripper earlier today, and burned big pieces of my skin because its so corrosive. THANKS FOR NOTHING WARNING LABEL! JK. The warning label was clear. And I covered my eyes, nose, mouth, and hands - but not my legs, bare feet, or arms. Rats. So we'll see how this goes. Or I'll invite you over for s'mores. 

Military thoughts.

Patrick's brother is in the Air Force, and he just graduated from flight training school this past weekend. So we left Thursday to go to Pensacola for all of his graduation festivities, and I was seriously overcome with emotion THE WHOLE TIME. I wasn't crying profusely, but I was so struck with the amazing men and women in the military, and HOW MUCH they put on the line to protect our country. Obviously they're willing to risk their lives for us, and would do so gratefully, without a second thought. I can't fathom a more selfless and noble job for someone to take on.

And so Patrick and his parents and I sat in on these ceremonies, listened to the awards given, watched the graduation traditions, walked thru flight simulations, spent time in the airplane hangars, and went to a museum of all the planes flown by past presidents. And y'all, I seriously could not feel more honored to not only know someone in the military, but to now be related to someone in the military. Someone that is so close to my age. Who could have chosen to do anything else, but he chose this. And I was just not expecting to feel SO PROUD of that fact while I was in Pensacola. So overcome with compassion and understanding for what husbands and wives and parents and children go through on a DAILY basis, so that their loved ones can stand on the front lines of battle...risking their lives on behalf of others. On behalf of me. 

And the nature of Bryan's plane means that the missions he'll do are more dangerous than most, and he can tell us virtually nothing about them. As I've been thinking about that and how lonely that must feel, especially when you know you're doing something so amazing, BUT THAT NO ONE WILL KNOW... it is almost too much for me to stomach. 

Our military is incredible. And I just have so much more of an appreciation for them after seeing all that my brother-in-law is giving up in order to be a part of it. And to live on base, and be told what to wear and what to eat, and where to go. 

And I hope that I'll learn to honor them all better as I'm starting to get a more realistic view of what it takes to commit your life to our country. 

Here's a note from a dear friend whose husband is in the military. She and I have been going back and forth on our thoughts and proud moments, and I felt like these words were really truthful, poignant, and real. Painting a far better picture than I ever could of what the life is truly like.

The hardest and darkest time in my life to date was when my husband was deployed for those 13 months...and I try not to live in fear of the next deployment (because maybe there won't be one for him!) but the thought makes me physically ill. And I've gone through one deployment. One. While we were DATING. With no kids involved. Surrounded by my friends and family. I've had it so easy. There are THOUSANDS of women who have gone through multiple deployments with multiple children...who have had babies born while their husbands are away...and had to endure that awful, awful fear of wondering if their husband is safe every time a story about soldiers dying pops up on CNN. And the deployment is not even the half of it. Reintegration is hell. It was months before he was able to fully be himself after he came back. And he wasn't even in direct combat...its just the atmosphere alone that will jack these men up. The constant alertness, the constant fear of attack, the isolation....the list goes on and on and on. These guys come back CHANGED and it is terrifying. there is nothing like that in the civilian world. No business trip, no work assignment will EVER compare to a deployment. The people who do this, who live this life, are incredible. Bottom line. Your brother-in-law is a hero, simply for committing to this. Your family is incredible for supporting him and standing by him, for praying for him when he's gone, for sending him care packages when he deploys, for letting him know you're there for him no matter what...even when he can't tell you what he's doing or done...and that will feel very isolating and lonely and frustrating.

So make sure to thank anyone you know in the military for all that they give up on our behalf. Without being asked, and doing so gracefully and humbly. I can't think of a better hero to honor.

Real Marriage

Marriage is hard. So incredibly hard. And anyone who says any different is lying, I promise.

And its amazing to me that we build our lives around one relationship and its supposed strength. Strength that actually takes years to build. We buy houses, have children, adopt pets, and get involved in churches and activities. The basis of all these activities being your marriage. One relationship of two fragile people with histories and baggage and insecurities and opinions. How could it not be hard? And why does it catch us so off guard when we all know hundreds of married people who could have warned us?

Maybe in an effort to look good to everyone on the outside, we neglect to be honest with ourselves and each other. It is just so easy to pretend that things are great and easy when they are really difficult and unexpected and ugly on the inside. Ignorance is bliss, right?

But we can't afford to be ashamed of the hardness of marriage. Because in being ashamed, we deny ourselves help. We deny ourselves the encouragement and support of friends, and we deny others the opportunity to learn from us and our mistakes. Mistakes that they might not have to make, which might in turn save their marriage. All because we are ashamed and prideful, and we want so badly to look put-together and polished.

And for some reason, being vulnerable has become unacceptable in some circles, and that's not okay. Because sometimes you need other people to believe and have faith and be strong for you, when you don't have the strength to be those things for yourself. We have to help each other. Whether that be laying down in the trenches or climbing the mountains together – we have to believe for each other, have hope for each other, and fight for each other. Even when things are ugly and desolate and hopeless. Because that's when we need each other the most.

Because we all lose heart at some point.

And that doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you normal. The fury of hell has been released upon marriages because they are so beautiful and precious to God. And because they are an exact representation of Him and the Church. The war against us is real and intense. And we shouldn't ignore it, but instead be looking for opportunities to support each other through it.

So I want you to know that I want to be all-in for you. 

For your marriage. 

And your family.

And your friendship. 

And your happiness. 

24/7, forever and always. 

Please let me. Come be a part of my story and let me be a part of yours. Because marriage is hard, and we all want someone to go through it with. 

Love Does

I just finished Love Does by Bob Goff. Bob Goff is an incredible man with some of the most inspiring stories I've ever read. What is so challenging about him is that anyone can do the kinds of things he does. 

He gives generously, never sparing an expense when it comes to showing his love to others. And what impresses me most is that he demonstrates love in tangible ways not only to those who are close friends, but also to those who are complete strangers. Like when he sent flowers to a woman that totaled his jeep, just to remind her that it was okay and that she was forgiven. Or like when he helped a kid he met on a walk propose to his girlfriend, and found a way to get the Coast Guard involved to make it an even more spectacular event than the kid had ever imagined it to be. Or like the time his children wrote to foreign ministers, and were invited to come visit 29 of them. He sold his car to pay for plane tickets for his family to travel to those places, because he knew that those would be lifelong experiences that his children would never forget.

I read these stories and am just flat out inspired and stirred up that he has learned to love and live in such a tangible and expressive way. A way that people long for, but don't have the gumption to just do.

He helps dreamers dream. He challenges you to live outside yourself. To see others first. To let others enthrall and captivate you with who they are. He makes no excuses. He says yes, even if its hard or uncomfortable. Because that is what living a life fully engaged is all about. Creating memories now that you'll never regret.

He reminds me so much of my favorite lesson that I took away from Blue Like Jazz. That we must love others simply because they exist. Why is that so hard to do sometimes? Why is it so unbearably easy to pick apart why you should/shouldn't do something, when you know it would mean the world to someone else? Maybe we don't give ourselves enough credit. Maybe we think that it wouldn't matter to someone, when in reality we are who they need in this season. Or maybe we don't like someone, so we want to withhold our love from them. But maybe it's in the overcoming of our flaws and issues and specks that we see past what we see, and are able to lay hold of what God sees.

If someone simply asked me to see a movie tonight, I'm more inclined to say no than yes. Why is that? I love spending time with people, and I never regret a minute doing it. But sometimes its just easier to stay at home. Or easier to finish my book, or watch a movie. Because that requires virtually nothing from me. When going out would mean I'd have to spend money, look presentable, get home late, and probably use up gas in my car. But is that really how God wants us to live? Secluded in our rooms with the TV on, completely MISSING an opportunity to engage with someone? To encourage them? To be encouraged by them? To swap life stories? To be reminded that we all need love and friendship and meaning and people to believe in us? We're meant to live bigger life stories than I think we can even dream up for ourselves, and sometimes it takes someone like Bob to point that out.

Closing the final pages was incredibly difficult for me, as this book is one that will ring in my heart for decades to come. And I know that I cannot simply 'walk away' from this one. This one was different.

If I could pull apart a few of the truths that I really want to carry with me, they would be related to doing more, loving more, and engaging more. And I realize that sounds kind of stupid, but after reading these compelling and awe-inspiring stories from Bob Goff, you realize how much more you could be doing. And by “you”, I mean “I”. Because I can get lazy. And forget to be intentional. And forget that I can matter. And those are terrible things to forget. Because at the end of the day, love does.

Harry and Bob

Sorry for the meltdown a couple of days ago folks. I didn't mean to bear my soul in such a scary way. But in real life, it happens.


I finished the Harry Potter series last night. 

Twas the end of an era. 

The 7th book was epic. And I'm slightly embarrassed that it took me so long to read the series. I can understand why every man, woman, and child has loved it. Including Stephen King. Who was the one who convinced me to read it. 


I just ordered this guy from Amazon: 

as Bob Goff became so completely inspiring to me after reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. I cannot wait for this to come in the mail. I even ordered a second copy as a gift as I have that much faith in how great it will be. Cheers to you Bob.

In other news, I feel like I've been thinking a lot about family lately, and am starting to get excited about when Patrick and I will have one of our own. We love Lucy and Bailey tremendously, but sometimes you want more than what a pet can provide (this coming from someone who is afraid that they will love their cat more than their firstborn). And yes I'm serious. 

We kept Libby Gray two weeks ago for a weekend, and we really had a blast. She is so fun and sweet and FULL OF ENERGY. I know my dad and Jill were grateful to have some time away from her constant chattering, so Patrick and I happily took up the post. We got ice cream, we went to the pool, we went down a waterslide, we went out to breakfast, and we drew on the driveway with sidewalk chalk. Little girls are very fun, especially ones like her who are completely more fearless than I ever was as a child. I love watching how open she is to new experiences. Occasionally it takes a little extra encouragement, but she always comes around. And when she does, she is ALL IN. 

At the creek in the park. Lucy got in so Libby Gray did too. Luckily she was still wearing her new Hello Kitty two-piece.

Going down the water-slide. Look how sweet she looks!

We couldn't have had more fun with this sweet little girl. And I pray that we will one day have one as cute and sweet as she is to call our own. 

I'm heading to make dinner after a really long, but good day. Lucy and Bailey are begging to be fed, and I'm dying for some reality tv. Which is severely lacking in my life these days. I know, hard to believe, but my job does make me actually work. 

It's worse than that, he's dead Jim.

Divorce is an ugly and terrible thing. And I know that anyone who reads this would agree with me.

Patrick and I were talking the other night about how parents have an obligation to each other, first and foremost. Their relationship has to be good, strong, and healthy in order for them to give their best to their children. Obviously that does not mean that the children are not cared for, nurtured, looked after, etc. But it does mean that the parents must first have a good foundational relationship and solid commitment to one another in order to raise children in a healthy environment.

But one thing that is tough for me is second marriages. Both parents, once divorced, and despite great difficulty, have to move on from one another. They pursue different interests, they move out, they get re-married, and eventually they have someone new that they are committed to.

That in and of itself is not a bad thing.

However, the Bible doesn't demonstrate the clear priorities of parents in second marriages. It seems to me that once the parents are initially split, they each have to then be responsible for the children, since they are no longer responsible to each other. Because if they are not responsible for the children, who else will be?

I hate divorce because it forces children to have to learn to nurture themselves at a young age. Especially once parents are re-married and have new families. Because the parents get to start over but the children do not. The children no longer have a 'home' in the traditional sense. They don't have a safe place anymore to let their guard down. Or to participate in all the traditions and customs they grew up doing. If the parents don't make a concerted effort to prioritize their children, then its easy for them to just get lost in the shuffle. To not feel a part of any family. And to have to work to be a part of their parent's new lives.

But how do you tell parents that you're still important? That you're still their child and you still need them? They might have other relationships in the mix, but is it wrong to think that you should still have a priority in their life? Shouldn't your parents know that you're important? That you missed parts of your childhood that can never be recovered? And that they are the people that can make that not scar not cut so deeply?

The children can't and don't want to be the adults. The nurturers of themselves and each other. That's not their role in a parent/child relationship.

So that leaves me wrestling with all of these thoughts right now. Because I don't have a great answer. And I think parents need to do what they need to do to be healthy, but sometimes that damages the children in the process. And the damages cannot be undone.

Which makes everything just messy. And ugly. And dumps truckloads of crap on the kids to deal with over their life-time. To force them to look for the missing pieces of their 'home' and 'childhood' and pick them up, dust them off, and figure out what to do with them.

Then to figure out how to hold all of those things, and not let them hurt any other surrounding relationships. But only to use them in a positive way that is edifying and supportive for others. But to not ignore them because they need attention, and processing. And you want to be certain that you won't grow up to be the same. But not letting them overwhelm you or steal your joy or make you feel ungrateful.

All while not falling apart.

Is it even possible?

Bucket Lists

A good friend asked me last weekend what was on my bucket list. And honestly, I don't have one. I'm not an adrenaline junkie, and I'd rather die than go skydiving or bungee jumping (thanks to the story where the girl's bungee cord BROKE). 

I'd rather just see every country of the world and meet as many people as I can. So I figured my best attempt at a bucket list would just include some of the places I want to visit or things I want to see. Here is my destination bucket list, and I'd love additional recommendations on things to add, as I'm sure I've barely scratched the surface of what is available in the world. 

Visit outdoor markets in Instanbul and Mumbai. Take a gondola ride in Venice. Camp on the Great Wall of China. See the cherry blossoms in Japan. See the Northern Lights. Hike to the villages of Cinque Terre. See kites being flown in Afghanistan. Sit by the ocean on the Amalfi Coast. Ride a bike in Beijing. See the fjords in Norway. Drink wine in Tuscany. 

Oooorrrr basically do everything that these guys did in their year around the world (minus the skydiving). I would even do all the overnight hiking/camping treks because they look too stunning to miss. I'd need grace from everyone on how oily my hair would be in all the pictures, but hats are always an option!

Traveling is basically a drug to me, and if I could have any luxury in the world it would be to see everything there is to see before I die. (This makes me grateful for my no vacation limit at work, but also makes me sad because I don't have millions of dollars and Patrick does have a vacation limit. Rats). Here are some photo gems stolen mostly from Matt and Taylor, in case you needed any reason to believe that their journey was anything less than incredible:

Cheers to dreaming of traveling the world.

Seed

Counseling.

I've only been twice, but I would pay double for what I am getting at this point. And some of it feels to deep to even try to articulate, but just the shift in perspective is refreshing. And having someone be gut-level honest with you in a way that hurts, but is unconditionally loving at the same time is truly priceless. And surprisingly not offensive.

And I love Marcy because she makes no excuses for why I am where I am. And in some ways she has also deterred me from focusing on what is coming. Because I'm not there, I'm here.

And it's okay to have a season where I'm being pulled away from the crowds. Because there is intentionality and purpose in that. And sometimes noise makes it hard to hear.

But it is so hard when I'm in a season of separation, and others are not.

I thrive on connecting with friends. I thrive on spending hours and hours with people, running errands, talking on the phone, working out, watching TV shows and movies, going out to dinner, and just 'being' together. So being called to a different season than those around me, and also realizing that they may never be in this season that I'm in, is probably the hardest adjustment. And unfortunately, if they are not in this season, nor have they been in this season, their advice and thoughts on how to manage it may or may not be helpful. And that's not a bad thing. It just means that it is all the important for me to focus on my heart-to-heart connect with God. And not let other people and their experience shade what this season is supposed to look like for me.

So I leave you with this picture:

Even the tallest of the redwoods had to start as a seed within the earth. And when the seed was ready, it could move out of the soil and into the light. But not before the incubation period where it soaked in nutrients and developed its roots. So here's to soaking in nutrients and learning to dig deeply into the soil.

Thanks for all of your encouragement and patience with me. I hope that there are pieces of my journey that you can take with you and apply to your own life. Love love.

The Wilderness

I had my first counseling appointment last week, and it was awesome. Having a Spirit-filled believer who has gotten her Doctorate in counseling proved to be the most refreshing thing ever. 

I was so terrified to be so vulnerable with someone. But I'm so glad that I got over that, because I would have missed out on a lot.

Our appointment took us all over the place, and I'm sure I shed a year's worth of tears. But they were tears well spent. Because they were tears of healing. Of recognizing the Lord's goodness and presence. Of coming to terms with the fruit in the wilderness that is at my fingertips. 

Throughout the Bible, some of the most major figures are given long seasons of time where they are pulled away from the public eye. David in caves. Moses on Mt. Sinai. Jesus in the wilderness. God uses those times to train, to equip, to re-connect, and to speak to His people. Moses had a big job in leading people into the Promised Land, but he first had to hear from the Lord. And see Him for truly He really was, and to hear the promises that were laid out for him. He couldn't lead people into freedom until He saw the face of the Father. 

But the hard part is continuing to pursue the words and promises spoken over their lives while they were alone in the "wilderness."

So that's where I am. Alone in the wilderness, but passionately declaring and pursuing the sweet promises that the Lord has spoken over me. 

And all the while plucking fruit from the trees.

Arab Richness

This weekend was a rich weekend.

Friday was spent celebrating Natalie for her Bachelorette, and then Saturday we had a very dear friend that we met in the Middle East come stay with us. He's originally from Arkansas, but spent some time in Egypt and Lebanon going to school and learning Arabic. 

Russ is one of those people that radiates the love of God with every word he speaks. And not only is he a man who truly dwells in the presence of God, but he always has his finger on the pulse of the nations. Re-connecting with him means hearing testimonies from all over the Arab world. Hearing about prayer movements, gatherings of Believers, and trends in revelation and visions.

Patrick and I could have listened to him for hours. He makes us feel like family, even though we’ve only spent a few weeks with him over the last 3 years. Russ has spent endless hours with Muslims learning their hearts, learning who God is to them, and learning how to love them well. He’s studied their history, the Qu’ran, their languages and dialects. He’s visited their camps and their homes and spent holidays with them. So he is intimately connected to every part of the Arab culture. Patrick and I felt like we had read hundreds of books by the time our time with Russ was over. And hearing stories from someone like him who has lived among them daily, helped put news stories and our own textbooks into a more real and personal perspective.

The only downside to the weekend was the short bout of food poisoning I had on Saturday night. Which was absolutely terrible, but allowed me to rest all day Sunday and catch up on Harry Potter. Which I think it is way better to read a hundred pages at a time so you can keep all the details straight. 

Traveling Thoughts

This morning I'm on my way to California for my sweet friend Lauren's wedding shower. Before I left this morning I asked Patrick when the last time I flew somewhere by myself was, and he told me "Haiti, last April." Haiti was an emotional trip for me in ways that I can't seem to articulate.

And sitting in the airport terminal, listening to the same worship that carried me through that experience, I'm amazed at the emotions arising in my chest. My heart at its core beats for the nations. For missions. For travel. For teams carrying revival into the darkest parts of the earth. And right now my heart is yearning to be sent. To go. To engage with where my strengths shine brightest and my heart is at its fullest.

But right now I don't really have an outlet for that. And I don't know how to find one, nor do I believe myself to have the capacity right now to fully engage with one.

So thus begins my weekend alone with my thoughts. Searching my heart and asking God to call forth it's true desires and dreams. I'll probably be blogging as I can as my iPhone makes it so easy to journal as I go. :)

Thanks for your patience with me while being "in process." We will all reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Finding Me

These days I find myself with such a wide variety of emotions. I can't decide whether I need more friends, need less friends, need to be alone more, need to read more, need to join a Bible study, need to cook and become more domestic, need to spend more time with family, need to travel, need to call distant friends more, need to practice my creative writing, go to different work-out classes, or just spend more time at Forever 21.

Each day I just feel completely different. One day I think that everything is going to be okay. That my job is happy, I work with nice people, I get to work from home occasionally, and I'm learning a ton. But then I have days where I get to dabble in what my dreams really are: looking at pictures from exotic adventures, spending hours reading thick novels, having Mexican and margaritas with my family, looking for decorating projects, or having group iPhone chats with my friends while we watch The Bachelor together. And those are the times where I feel more at home in my skin. Like I'm connected to "me."

But I can't figure out why some days are good and some days are hard. Even after a really great night I feel like crying, and just scroll through the list of all the things where I felt like I said the right thing and got a hurtful response. Or I worked really hard to do something for someone else and it just went unnoticed. Or I spent 3 hours with someone and we barely scratched the surface of what's really going on inside our hearts.

As Ginny and I talk about every day, being an extrovert can be difficult. Because the amount of time and deep interaction you need with people to feel like you really thrive is so hard to get in "adult" friendships. And yeah I have those friends that in 30 minutes we can get down to business and really feel known and accepted and deeply encouraged...but that is so unbelievably rare. And if those aren't the things that feed you too, then I'm probably the only one making an effort. And then leaving the interaction feeling like I poured as much of myself out as I could, yet only feeling more empty.

And that's probably why I like staying up late with friends. Because once the world is asleep, people feel so much more comfortable showing each other who they really are on the inside. You've gotten the small talk out of the way, and you can dive into the greater depths of who people are. Mission trips also allow for deep continual interaction over shared experiences, so that is probably why those are so intricately linked to my heart as well.

So this past week, I decided to call a counselor. Someone who is Spirit filled, and can help equip me with some tools and mindsets to feel more "me" but not get burdened by those who don't really want "me." Because it is getting exhausting going between happy and satisfied to crumbling to pieces.

I may or may not report the progress or the things I'm learning, but I'm putting it out there for the sole purpose of asking you to give me grace in this season. And to thank you in advance for your kindness and support. Love you guys.

Life and Loving on Purpose

It's been a busy week here in the West household. 


Patrick went to Puerto Rico for a work event. I took my car into the shop, not once, not twice, but THREE times. My dad had shoulder surgery this morning. I've been battling a sore throat and possible sinus infection, while trying to hammer out 40+ hours of work in the marketing automation world. We sent off two of our best friends to Nicaragua for a mission trip. Welcomed a new baby into our extended family. And I personally went through 2 boxes of Kleenex in less than a week. Do they give awards for stuff like that?


In other news, I'm finishing up book 4 of the Harry Potter series, using a hand warmer as a heating pad for my swollen lymph nodes, and frantically trying to catch up on Project Runway Allstars (and ihategreenbeans.com). And to be honest, I thought Heidi Klum not being a part of the Project Runway Allstars would be a terrible thing. But it turns out, the newest judges are kind, funny, smart, and communicate really well to the contestants. So I don't end up yelling at Nina Garcia my tv for  liking something one minute and hating it the next. Those poor contestants. Those judges were hard to please. I feel sorry for their (ex)significant others. Obviously, if you don't follow pop culture, then you might have missed that Heidi and Seal are on the fritz. As are Will and Jada.


Last weekend Patrick and I went to a "Loving Your Kids on Purpose" conference with Danny Silk (no we are not pregnant). The conference was amazing and shed so much light on how to help people be free in relationships. (If Jacquelyn were here she'd commiserate with me on why being controlling shouldn't be a bad thing). I thought I'd include a few nuggets of Truth that I took away from this weekend (and yes, they all stung a little bit):


-Where there is no love, there are high rules. Freedom demonstrates character, not rules. You can't be free if you don't have a choice.


-We re-present who God is to our children. We show them how the Father interacts with those who make mistakes.


-The greatest lie you can teach your kids is "I control you" and "You can be controlled." 


-We lose our connection with our children and the ability to influence them when we try to control.


-Freedom puts on the surface what is really there. And that is scary and vulnerable, but that is what love is.


-You can't sow in bad seeds in the name of being a parent. At some point you will reap what you sow.


-Keep your love on. Even when you disagree. Otherwise we have very conditional love and we disconnect easily.




All of these are awesome take-aways that I think would be best understood if they were tattoo-ed on my forehead. They apply to all relationships, and since we are relational beings, it would be foolish to not take some of these to heart in dealing with not just our children, but friends, family and co-workers as well. 

A mess at best.

The last few months have left me feeling very alone. And not the endearing kind of alone where you get a lot done and feel refreshed and rejuvenated and rested, ready to take on the world.

No, I've felt the real kind of alone. The ugly kind.

The way you'd feel if you moved to another state and no one called you, sent you letters, messaged you on Facebook, re-tweeted you, gave you a hug, said something nice to you, or even recognized your existence.

Yeah, I felt that kind of alone. isolated. empty. sad. depressed. unhinged. angry. fearful. All those sweet characteristics that make people come flocking towards you.

And it has been really hard. Because the more I have felt these things, the more I needed people. But people who are colorful, vibrant, confident, and steadfast don't want to be around lonely, sulking, sad people like me. And I felt like the more I reached out, the more distant people became.

So I just. stopped. trying. Like, really stopped trying. Stopped texting, calling, messaging, etc. Because I just couldn't do it anymore. I was too empty to reach out again.

Until one day I had a conversation with a friend, and found out she'd been feeling the exact same way. But if she's hurting, and I'm hurting, we both end up in our own dark corners cowering away from the world. Both of us alone. But so desperately in need of a friend. So with one conversation about her feelings of loneliness, a flicker of light came on in my brain. The thought had never occurred to me that other people might be hurting too. That there might be someone who needs me to come sit in their dark corner with them and give them a hand to hold. Maybe they can't get to me for the same reason I can't get to them.

So thus began the journey of getting out of my pit, so I could go find someone else stuck in their own pit and pull them out. Or at least tell them they'll be okay. And that everyone loves them. And that they can take their time. And that we'll be here when they're ready. And that no one really has it together. And that real love is messy, and it's okay.

I like to think of the anology of the redwoods. Redwoods are huge, but they have shallow roots, but roots that stretch out wide underneath the ground and interlock with the other redwoods' roots. So it's in the inter-locking that give the redwood trees their height. Not deep solitary thick roots like you'd imagine.

So my focus has now shifted. To interlocked roots. To authentic relationships that aren't afraid to get messy, because love can be both beautiful and brutal. It's tough as nails. It's honest. It's real. I want to make more time for people than I think I can manage, just in case things do get messy. Because sometimes it takes people time to open up and truly share what's going on inside them. And you can never plan for it. Vulnerability is rarely conjured up in one 47 minute sitting. And sometimes I have to be the first one to get gut-level honest, and that's okay.

I want to invest in the things that other people love. Even if it's not my thing. Them loving it should be enough for me to join them in it. I want to remind people why they're loved. Why they're different and valuable. I want to ask more questions and be a better listener. I want to be sacrificial and understanding, full of grace and empowerment.

Thanks Jessica for showing me that some of the best lovers of people sometimes look like the worst time managers. Because time restraints only hinder true love from happening. And Jessica, you never let time get in the way of your emotional availability. And I love that about you.