Monday, February 20, 2012

Finding Me

These days I find myself with such a wide variety of emotions. I can't decide whether I need more friends, need less friends, need to be alone more, need to read more, need to join a Bible study, need to cook and become more domestic, need to spend more time with family, need to travel, need to call distant friends more, need to practice my creative writing, go to different work-out classes, or just spend more time at Forever 21.

Each day I just feel completely different. One day I think that everything is going to be okay. That my job is happy, I work with nice people, I get to work from home occasionally, and I'm learning a ton. But then I have days where I get to dabble in what my dreams really are: looking at pictures from exotic adventures, spending hours reading thick novels, having Mexican and margaritas with my family, looking for decorating projects, or having group iPhone chats with my friends while we watch The Bachelor together. And those are the times where I feel more at home in my skin. Like I'm connected to "me."

But I can't figure out why some days are good and some days are hard. Even after a really great night I feel like crying, and just scroll through the list of all the things where I felt like I said the right thing and got a hurtful response. Or I worked really hard to do something for someone else and it just went unnoticed. Or I spent 3 hours with someone and we barely scratched the surface of what's really going on inside our hearts.

As Ginny and I talk about every day, being an extrovert can be difficult. Because the amount of time and deep interaction you need with people to feel like you really thrive is so hard to get in "adult" friendships. And yeah I have those friends that in 30 minutes we can get down to business and really feel known and accepted and deeply encouraged...but that is so unbelievably rare. And if those aren't the things that feed you too, then I'm probably the only one making an effort. And then leaving the interaction feeling like I poured as much of myself out as I could, yet only feeling more empty.

And that's probably why I like staying up late with friends. Because once the world is asleep, people feel so much more comfortable showing each other who they really are on the inside. You've gotten the small talk out of the way, and you can dive into the greater depths of who people are. Mission trips also allow for deep continual interaction over shared experiences, so that is probably why those are so intricately linked to my heart as well.

So this past week, I decided to call a counselor. Someone who is Spirit filled, and can help equip me with some tools and mindsets to feel more "me" but not get burdened by those who don't really want "me." Because it is getting exhausting going between happy and satisfied to crumbling to pieces.

I may or may not report the progress or the things I'm learning, but I'm putting it out there for the sole purpose of asking you to give me grace in this season. And to thank you in advance for your kindness and support. Love you guys.


Mae said...

A good counseling session is the BEST. SO glad you called!

jess said...

i love this post and you. i feel so much the same way. we should talk about all this soon. love.

danielle said...

Reading this has totally helped me put into words exactly how I feel at this stage of life. Thank you for sharing this! :)