Love and War

A few weeks ago, Marcy encouraged me to read “Love and War” by John and Stasi Eldridge. And I politely said, “No, thanks. I don't like John and Stasi Eldridge.” But she responded with “Hey. You're reading this book. Sorry.” Except she didn't apologize. She just told me to suck it up and order the book, and said it might provide some good talking points with Patrick. Ugh. Fine.

So I did what she said. I got a $3 copy off Amazon and prayed that it got lost in the mail. Because I'd rather read Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn which comes way more highly recommended than some lame-o Christian-y book, by the authors of Wild at Heart and captivating. Two books that made me want to vomit. (Not really. That was sarcastic. But they weren't my faves).

Well the book came and sat on my nightstand for a few weeks. And Marcy is a nice and classy girl and never asked about it. But I got to a stopping point in another series I was reading, and decided one night before bed that I would start picking through the dreaded “Love and War.”

And y'all, I couldn't put it down.

The weight of every word seemed to settle on me in a way I didn't expect. And I was challenged. Convicted. Empathized with. And inspired. I was embarassed at how ignorant I'd been to the position of my heart in my marriage and in my relationships. But John and Stasi gave me permission to take a breath, to re-calibrate my heart, and to come at my marriage with a new and fresh perspective.

They helped me see what agreements I've been making about love and marriage. They helped me see where the enemy has set up camp in my relationship with Patrick – and what lies tend to creep into my heart when we argue. Lies that come from the enemy, and not my husband. John and Stasi helped me see how Patrick and I can be united against the enemy, rather than divided against each other. I've started to get more of a vision for mine and Patrick's relationship. And to see that we HAVE TO HAVE a vision for US, and believe in the significance and the power of US if we're ever going to make it. That when we have a family, we can't make our children the center of our universe. Because it's unhealthy for them and for us. We still have to have a relationship in the midst of children and family.

Page after page pushed every button, struck every nerve, but gave me hope for a new marriage. One that has forged through storms and mountainous terrain, yet remained intact. One that has learned to shut down the spiritual attacks that come against our marriage. And one that has experienced healing in its depths, and so gives grace to one another day in and day out. To quote John:

“So long as we choose to turn a blind eye to how we are fallen as men or women, and to the unique style of relating we have forged out of our sin and brokenness, we will continue to do damage to our marriages.”

Seeing all the crap that I alone have brought into our marriage is hard. But knowing that Patrick too brings his own stuff, from his own family, and his own mistakes to our marriage is kind of intimidating. And it has shaped us. Our thought patterns, the way we argue, the way we relate, and how we set our expectations. I'm so glad John and Stasi were so realistic about all this stuff and addressed it so candidly.

They offered hope in the midst of trials, strategies and encouragement. All of it being so insightful and powerful. Powerful in a way that gets me re-energized to fight the good fight, and to keep contending for breakthrough in our marriage and those marriages around us. I was truly blessed by “Love and War” and I hope you'll pick up a copy and challenge yourself. It will not be easy, but I'd rather know how to prepare and position my heart to thwart off attacks from the enemy.

Love you guys. Praying blessings and peace and abounding love over your marriages and relationships today. 

Dogs, Apple Picking, and Cabinet Re-do

This weekend was quite the adventure. Picnic in Piedmont Park with 100 of my closest friends, their spouses and dogs. Keeping Libby Gray, and going apple picking in Ellijay with our small group. 

My favorite memory was from Friday night. I met Kathleen at her house, and she, her dog Murphy, Lucy and I all got into her truck. The cab of the truck. Murphy is young, and can't sit in the bed of the truck or he'll jump out. So Lucy and Murphy shared the backseat. Think of Murphy like a hormonal adolescent who can't keep his hands off of anyone. Which meant we spent 30 minutes in traffic pulling the two dogs off of each other, pushing them back in the backseat, watching them dig under each other's behinds, and helping Murphy keep his 'red rocket' in his pants (he hasn't been neutered). 

And then we picked up Libby Gray. A five-year old in a car seat. With her sleeping bag, toiletries, pillows, stuffed animals, and clothes. And toys. We put Lucy in the bed, and Murphy sat next to Libby Gray. Lucy had never been in the back of a truck so we weren't sure what would happen. But she did great... until it started pouring. And Lucy HATES the rain. So we had to pull off and put Lucy in the cab, with Kathleen, me, Libby Gray, Libby Gray's things, and Murphy. So a little chaotic, but we made it to Piedmont Park. Slightly frazzled, humbled by our lapses in judgement, and entertained that we actually drove through Atlanta  with 2 dogs, each other, and a 5-year old in the cab of a truck. 

Piedmont Park at sunset. 

Saturday morning, I felt at tap on my arm at 6:30am. "Mary, I'm up." Oh Lord. That makes ME the responsible one. For a 5-year old. At 6:30am. ME. The night owl. Who doesn't function until I'm well into the 10 o'clock hour. Ugh. I don't know how parents do it. So we had breakfast and colored and fed the pets. And I silently wept on the inside.

THEN... we went APPLE PICKING!!! See below for my enthusiasm.

And after a full day on Saturday, we spent all day Sunday in our pajamas. Listening to Eric Johnson. Enjoying a big breakfast. And around 2pm I finished up this guy:

The bane of my existence for the last 6 weeks. I went through two bottles of paint stripper to get the lime green off. Which didn't actually come off. Then I sanded it. Painted it with two coats of black paint. Had to re-sand all the places that never got smooth enough. Touch up with black again. Replaced all the knobs, but had to first drill new holes as no one makes drawer/cabinet hardware in these sizes any more. Spackled/painted old holes. Then I put a sealer on it. At one point I tried crackle paint on the back, then painted black over top...hoping to achieve an antique-y look. That failed, but I'm too lazy to fix it. Or too annoyed with this whole project. 

If you need furniture re-do help, do NOT ask me. I am a sorry source of information. Natalie Geiger is true champion. Maybe I'll just pay her to do my next piece. If there is a next piece.

Dreams Happening

First of all, I love handwriting fonts. If I could always write in one, I would, because they just feel more personal. And it makes me feel like I'm writing a letter to a friend. Which I sort of am, just in a very public way.

*     *     *     *     *

So most of you know that I work for a really incredible company. The perks are through the roof, and I couldn't be more well taken care of. Our clients are amazing, my team is so supportive, and I get to work alongside some of the best of the best in the marketing automation industry.

But when I first started, it was a hard transition. Going from a small non-profit to a rapidly growing software company was a huge jump. The job responsibilities, work environment, office space, and team were all completely different. My job here has always felt right and good, it has just been a completely different change of pace.

And as its gone on, I feel like the Lord has slowly revealed pieces to me about why I'm here. I know the work I do is good, and I'm a valuable member of our team, but as always, I want to find the Lord's heart here. What is His goal for us, and how can I be a part of it? At one point I felt so overwhelmed with the transition that I wasn't even sure I wanted to pray that prayer, or ask for what His heart was. But I got there. And the Lord was so patient to let me step into that place as slowly as I needed to.

And every few weeks I feel like another layer of perspective has been given to me.

One day I found an article on corporate culture and sent it over to our 'Culture Czar' (or in layman's terms, Office Manager). And that started a dialog about things that are important to me in the workplace, and I remember mentioning financial assistance for adoption. I knew that that was something I would do regardless of being financially supported by my employer, but why not mention it? And all that did was start a dialog between her and I. And her heart to also adopt, as she lived in Africa for several years, met her husband over there, and is really passionate about adopting from that same country to keep it as part of their history. So she mentioned checking into what other companies offer, which at the time was awesome.

Throughout that next week/weekend I felt like God was telling me that some of the reasons I am here, have not yet been set into motion. The adoption assistance being my first example of something that is not yet here or a part of our corporate culture, but it's coming. And its the cloud the size of a man's fist on the horizon.

Several weeks later our maternity plan changed, and so did our work-from-home policy. Both of which make it so much easier to still be a part of this company, yet pursue a family without the threat of losing my job or going unpaid for any amount of time. Having a family is so much a part of my heart right now that those are things that feel like kisses from heaven to me. I love feeling like I am supported as a person, not just as an employee.

Yesterday we had a new girl start who will be in charge of community outreach programs and volunteer opportunities for our company. I've heard about this position for awhile, but just figured it would be Habitat for Humanity type projects each quarter or runs for causes on the weekends. Little did I know, this girl was coming to us from Land of a Thousand Hills. Having managed coffee projects all over the world, and having worked closely with the 410 Bridge for years. So not only is she a believer, but her heart is missions. And part of her job description is to plan an international TRIP for us to go on to serve. The trip can't be religiously based, but there are some amazing alternatives that we have that we're hoping to explore (Land of a Thousand Hills coffee projects being one). I shared with her a little bit of my experience working for 410 and managing all trips to Haiti, and she casually mentioned me helping lead a team for Pardot in the future.

I'm sorry... WHAT!? An international service trip, through my secular company, that I get to be a part of? Are you kidding? This is incredible!

So there's another layer down, and it happens to line up so perfectly with my heart. Which is funny because I told Patrick I feel like I'm not really dreaming right now. I am happy with where I'm at and what I'm doing, yet haven't been provoked to keep dreaming. To keep pursuing the things of God. And to continually make the choice to intentionally be a part of something bigger than myself. And as if the Lord heard that uttering, Karen from Land of a Thousand Hills stepped into my life.

I have no idea where this will lead or if it will amount to anything, but God has continually shown himself faithful throughout my time here. And I have full confidence that there is still more up His sleeve to show me. I am just so blessed to work for such an amazing company, and I pray that you too will find this level of satisfaction in your stage of life. Even if you never think that its possible, I promise you that it is. Just keep looking for God's heart, and be ready to find it in the most unlikely of places.

Dog-shaming

If you've never been to this website, you need to go. And look at EVERY picture. You will not regret it, trust me. But in case you need some motivation, I have attached a few of my faves below for your viewing pleasure:

Life and Fall-ish things

My life has been pretty wonderful lately, which means I have a lot less to complain rant gripe blog about. And I love instagram... A LOT. And put almost everything there anyways. So in some ways I feel satiated and less needy happier with that outlet. Since instagram is so great about helping you feel connected to your close friends. 

But unfortunately, there are people who do not have instagram (gasp!). I know, I know, it's true. And that should be a crime against humanity. But alas, I am not the humanity police (officially) so I have no real pull in any life arena. But I can strongly state my opinion in hopes that it brings life to some poor, lowly soul who has yet to see 'the light.' 

So pictures of life as we know it.... this below is homemade tomato tortellini soup (and it makes excellent leftovers). If you are vegan, or anti-dairy, this soup is not for you. It has milk, some half and half, tomato soup, basil leaves and parmesan. So not really vegan-friendly at all. 

 These babies are our THIRD AND FOURTH banana peppers from our yard. I call them our 'secondfruits' instead of 'firstfruits.' I'd say they're from our garden (because that sounds way more domestic and organic), but really all it is is a plant in the midst of some pinestraw...where the flowers didn't make it. 

 Patrick's been perfecting his lemon martinis (bless him), and this one here was a winner. Real lemon juice, bottled lemon juice, triple sec, lemon vodka. Could have used a little sugar on the rim, but I'm not complaining. Just keep these babies coming. Nevermind that we primarily drink them on Sunday and Monday nights.   But hey, at least we're not alone? That's the sign of a real problem. 

 We're getting pretty obsessed (in an unhealthy way) with this gelato. Patrick hates caramel so this little guy is all. for. me. And anytime I go to take a picture of something to instagram, Lucy thinks I'm preparing a treat for her. So she positions herself calmly and quietly near whatever I'm doing, so I will see how good she's being and hopefully reward her. Sweet dog. How can you resist that face?

 My feeble attempts at summoning fall weather. Flats from Urban, coffee, and a golden yellow colored shirt. I look terrible in golden yellow, and my mom would probably tell me that (so I wouldn't be embarrassed when I went out in public later), but I couldn't resist. This color practically exudes fall and comfort and softness and colored leaves and lattes, right?

 Lola, LG and me at La Paz. In said golden yellow shirt (round 2). 

 And my sweet grandmother Annie. We call her by her first name, occasionally adding in 'Big' before Annie. Mainly because there is a 'Little' Annie that is now 17, but when she was born we had to differentiate. And yes, we call my grandmother by her first name. And yes, Big Annie is only 70 pounds soaking wet. So the 'big' is somewhat of a misnomer. But she's so incredibly precious, and I love her dearly. And pray that I am as generous, gracious, kind, hospitable, and passionate as she is. 

 Proof that I have friends outside my family that I actually hang out with. Jonathan, Liz, and Daniel in our backseat, on the way to a BA picnic. 

 I don't have a caption.

 And this picture here....is not an original. It came from Google. But it IS a picture of Indian Coffee, which I tried at small group for the first time last week. It is basically milk, coffee, sugar, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, cardamom, and a little bit of water. Its like coffee meets tea, but with a hint of fall. I guess that's the cinnamon and cloves. Or the cardamom and ginger? I don't know, I'm bad with herbal essences. But this was awesome. And I drank mine too fast to snag a picture. So if you want the real recipe, let me know and I'll send it over.

Sorry for the long picture posts. And the long commentary that says nothing worthwhile. But I like having you be a part of my day, so this is the easiest way to incorporate you. :)

Gangnam Style

Just do yourself a favor and watch this video:

A quick walk through my dream life...

Friends, Furniture and Marcy

My heart is so full these days. I'm about to tell Marcy the counselor that I'm on the up and up, but each week we meet we dive further into my heart and my relationships, which leaves me longing to move into her bedroom and sleep beside her bed. Yeah, she's that good. And I love that she's real, and not calculated. I don't feel that she's overcome with strategies for me, I just feel like we're in a relationship. Where I can continually give feedback, ask questions, yell profanities, or bake her cookies. And it's that kind of relationship that is life changing. So I might stick close to her for a few more months, and just let her love on me and tell me I'm okay. Because really that's all I want to hear sometimes. 

Last weekend I snapped a few pictures of Melanie, Jessica and I at Evie's wedding, our dearest roommate from college. Moon Unit, Diva Muffin, Lil Pixie, and BOP were all present and accounted for, and happily bid Evie farewell down the road to marriage. And no wedding/roommate/brothel celebration would be complete without spending the night together, and having a great breakfast in the morning. I love when I know that friends love me for me, and would know in a heartbeat if I pretended to be any different. If we were drinking together, I would toast to them. But my toast would last 6 hours and everyone else would leave. And then we'd probably have a quick lesson in how to keep kids off the street. 

And then there's this one. My beloved husband. Who is always hilarious when he tries not to be, and hardly funny when he works at it. This earned me 1923719364 likes on instagram. And by 9182734192873 I mean 25. But those were a proud 25 I'm sure. 

Patrick's brother Bryan receiving his awards and diploma from flight school graduation.

My feeble attempt at art journaling. That looked so much better on the blog picture I was copying. :)

We had an amazing small group this week with our dear friend Marty Barrett. WHO IS NUTS. But so wonderful and funny and odd at the same time. He is the one who bathed Patrick and I in the Holy Spirit before we got married, and we both started speaking in tongues at one of his worship services. He truly is a spiritual father to us, and one we will always treasure. 

This past weekend we did more things than I can count. One of which was having these 4 over for dinner. We stayed up later than I've stayed up in years, and we even had the honor of Daniel and Liz SLEEP OVER. Which meant we stayed up later, had a big breakfast together, watched every youtube video we could imagine, and I gave a quick rendition of one of my high school step routines. It was pretty spectacular. 

Soooo I've never re-done a piece of furniture. Ever. And when someone said to buy cheesecloth or wax for my project, I had to google that. 

So here is our newest Craig's List treasure (that my dad is convinced will turn into some form of fire kindling if I don't better develop my refurbishing skills before unleashing on this beauty). My goal is to paint it black and distress it a bit. But I attempted to use a paint stripper earlier today, and burned big pieces of my skin because its so corrosive. THANKS FOR NOTHING WARNING LABEL! JK. The warning label was clear. And I covered my eyes, nose, mouth, and hands - but not my legs, bare feet, or arms. Rats. So we'll see how this goes. Or I'll invite you over for s'mores. 

Warby Parker

My vain attempts at finding the right glasses. And I HATE glasses. Mainly because I see what I really look like and kindof hate it. But then again they also hurt my head after a few hours because I have an abnormally large head that they have to hug (see Melanie, Jessica, or Patrick for references). So I also hate that part.

But lately I've had headaches because I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING. EVER. Patrick has to read me menues and anything on TV. And I've resorted to STANDING in front of the TV when I'm deciding what to watch because I can't see one word on the guide from my couch. #firstworldproblems (But praise God for digital cable). 

So here comes Warby Parker to the rescue. Think TOMS for glasses. Before TOMS doing their own glasses was cool. I picked 5 pairs I liked and they sent me the frames in a glamorous box. I think I like the ones in the top right? I wish the style in the top left looked better on me, but I'm fairly certain I'll be embarrassed that I ever owned them in 5 years. So I'm still thinking about them. 

Thoughts?

Military thoughts.

Patrick's brother is in the Air Force, and he just graduated from flight training school this past weekend. So we left Thursday to go to Pensacola for all of his graduation festivities, and I was seriously overcome with emotion THE WHOLE TIME. I wasn't crying profusely, but I was so struck with the amazing men and women in the military, and HOW MUCH they put on the line to protect our country. Obviously they're willing to risk their lives for us, and would do so gratefully, without a second thought. I can't fathom a more selfless and noble job for someone to take on.

And so Patrick and his parents and I sat in on these ceremonies, listened to the awards given, watched the graduation traditions, walked thru flight simulations, spent time in the airplane hangars, and went to a museum of all the planes flown by past presidents. And y'all, I seriously could not feel more honored to not only know someone in the military, but to now be related to someone in the military. Someone that is so close to my age. Who could have chosen to do anything else, but he chose this. And I was just not expecting to feel SO PROUD of that fact while I was in Pensacola. So overcome with compassion and understanding for what husbands and wives and parents and children go through on a DAILY basis, so that their loved ones can stand on the front lines of battle...risking their lives on behalf of others. On behalf of me. 

And the nature of Bryan's plane means that the missions he'll do are more dangerous than most, and he can tell us virtually nothing about them. As I've been thinking about that and how lonely that must feel, especially when you know you're doing something so amazing, BUT THAT NO ONE WILL KNOW... it is almost too much for me to stomach. 

Our military is incredible. And I just have so much more of an appreciation for them after seeing all that my brother-in-law is giving up in order to be a part of it. And to live on base, and be told what to wear and what to eat, and where to go. 

And I hope that I'll learn to honor them all better as I'm starting to get a more realistic view of what it takes to commit your life to our country. 

Here's a note from a dear friend whose husband is in the military. She and I have been going back and forth on our thoughts and proud moments, and I felt like these words were really truthful, poignant, and real. Painting a far better picture than I ever could of what the life is truly like.

The hardest and darkest time in my life to date was when my husband was deployed for those 13 months...and I try not to live in fear of the next deployment (because maybe there won't be one for him!) but the thought makes me physically ill. And I've gone through one deployment. One. While we were DATING. With no kids involved. Surrounded by my friends and family. I've had it so easy. There are THOUSANDS of women who have gone through multiple deployments with multiple children...who have had babies born while their husbands are away...and had to endure that awful, awful fear of wondering if their husband is safe every time a story about soldiers dying pops up on CNN. And the deployment is not even the half of it. Reintegration is hell. It was months before he was able to fully be himself after he came back. And he wasn't even in direct combat...its just the atmosphere alone that will jack these men up. The constant alertness, the constant fear of attack, the isolation....the list goes on and on and on. These guys come back CHANGED and it is terrifying. there is nothing like that in the civilian world. No business trip, no work assignment will EVER compare to a deployment. The people who do this, who live this life, are incredible. Bottom line. Your brother-in-law is a hero, simply for committing to this. Your family is incredible for supporting him and standing by him, for praying for him when he's gone, for sending him care packages when he deploys, for letting him know you're there for him no matter what...even when he can't tell you what he's doing or done...and that will feel very isolating and lonely and frustrating.

So make sure to thank anyone you know in the military for all that they give up on our behalf. Without being asked, and doing so gracefully and humbly. I can't think of a better hero to honor.