Monday, October 31, 2011

Zero

So I'm sorry I haven't written lately. And what I have written hasn't been the least bit interesting. I don't even want to re-read anything because I know its not good. And I'm sorry.

I'm in a rut. A rut in so many ways. I have a new job that requires over an hour commute each way. That is before and after 9 hours of working. I don't know that my heart is able to sustain such long days with no time to cook, work out, read, blog, hang out with friends, or even just sit on the couch. My down time is basically non-existent. Being 100% extroverted, I need stimulation. I need friends. I need close relationships. I need to feel like I'm important and making a difference. But right now I'm just too tired to try. I'm too tired to work out, to cook, to clean, to read, and to hang out with friends.

And I'm feeling suffocated. Like I'm drowning in a sea of people that don't notice or care.

There isn't time for me right now. For my dreams. For my sanity and health. Which I know means everyone around me suffers.

I miss being me. I miss being positive. And truly enjoying and valuing everything that I did. Right now I feel like I'm on a team of one. But I came to the battlefield with no weapons, no armor, and no fellow fighters.

I'm the planner and the orchestrator and the networker. And when I don't plan, no one else picks up the pieces. So right now, all the pieces are on the ground. The weapons are in the shed. And my heart feels like its been buried under 1,000 pounds of brick.

But I hope I can dig it out. Brush it off and and pat it on the back.

But I can't do it tonight. I'm just too tired. 

3 comments:

Hayley Bidez said...

aww Mary, this just broke my heart. I am so sorry that your life is suffering right now. I feel the same with my 40 hour work week in 4 days plus travel time. I feel like during the week I can't do anything that I love to do.

We are going to push through it, we just got to find it. Let's talk more about it, and it is okay to cry.

XO

Deitra said...

Sounds like your new job is not a great fit for you. Call if you want to chat and vent. I'm here to listen!
Deitra

Tricia said...

Thinking about you lots. I have been checking your blog periodically to see any updates. . .

Lets talk about this tonight!! Looking forward to hanging out.