I feel like I've been going crazy the last few weeks. I work more than I want to, I sleep less than I want to, I live far away from my closest community, and I feel like I'm still not sure of who I am or what I'm supposed to be doing. I still can't manage to keep my apartment clean, but I can manage to read a few extra pages at night. I bought a new journal but haven't cracked it open yet. Too many good things happened in the last one so it's hard to close out that season and move forward into the next. Patrick travels a lot, and when he's home the job responsibilities seem to stack up considerably and I feel like I miss him at every corner.
I'm fighting through some good stuff now that I know will make me a better friend and wife, but being in process doesn't mean that the work is done. There are still things I'm learning about me and sometimes I realize "who I've always been" doesn't necessarily mean that that is what is going to work right now. It's hard to move through seasons with friendships, letting some go a little in order to re-connect with others. I hate not being best friends with everyone, but it's just not healthy to live that way. I need more space. I feel like I'm living in a shoebox some days (not literally)- my style isn't quite what I want it to be, and I'm not reading and writing the way that I want to. I'm not getting quality time with those that challenge and encourage me the most (the late partiers), and sometimes wish I could just live on a compound with all of my friends. I wouldn't care if I never saw another person because I'd be completely happen with just a few buds. We'd watch movies, take walks, do exercise classes, bake cookies, read books, journal, listen to music, drink coffee, sit on the porch and just be. If there was work to be done we'd intentionally side-track ourselves in a conversation about something spiritual or a rap song. We'd be vulnerable and sarcastic and share everything, and we'd probably have a fire pit and a trampoline in the yard (and probably train Asian kids to be ninja warriors).
I am craving my deepest relationships right now. If I can't go deep with you then we're not going to be close in this season. And I'm learning that that's just okay.
I need the space. I need the quality of life. I need the stack of books and a brand new pack of pens for my journal. I need one-on-one time and confrontation and prayer for lies I believe. I see this as a season of truly joining arms with strategic people in my life. Moving forward and getting healthier in the process. God is so good and the last few days with sweet friends has been perfect. This next season is going to be the best yet.