Friday, August 6, 2010

Calling all GIFT GIVERS...I need you.

There are many things in life that we do as adults not because we want to, but because we have to. It's the responsible choice. No one's doing it for you or making you do it, but you know it has to be done so you suck it up and do it.

I was thinking about this concept today on my way home from getting a brutal cavity filled. No one checked to make sure that I made the dentist appointment. No one called to make sure that I actually went to the dentist appointment (although I did reschedule twice). No one asked me how it went, or offered an easier alternative to 8 shots of Novocain in my lower right jaw. But for some reason, I manned up, made the appointment and went through with the torturous 45 minute procedure.

As I was driving home, I was deciding that there are certain things that adults do just because it's the responsible choice. And for those "responsible" things, I believe I, and all other adults, should get rewarded. A prize of some sort. Maybe a new outfit or a trip, a gourmet dinner or a day off work. Anything but the bill to have said cavity filled would be great. Heck, I'd take a candy bar or Starbucks coffee as a reward for being so responsible (too bad that's the whole reason I have cavities in the first place).

Some things I came up with that I believe I should be rewarded for:

-Going to the dentist Yep, I hate the dentist - maybe if I flossed it wouldn't be so terrible. But it is. Please pass the Skittles.

-Getting a check-up at the doctor I don't mind going if I need help, but I don't want to choose to have blood drawn or my finger pricked...or have some strange woman stick some god-awful instrument inside me to check for signs of cancer. No thanks. And yes, I'd like whipped cream and a cherry on that.

-Getting a cavity filled, having a root canal, or having a tooth pulled When I had my wisdom teeth out, my doc gave me a pint of Haagen Daaz ice cream. Obviously he saw the need to reward my courageous strength in deciding to put myself through that whole wonderful tooth-pulling episode.

-Having a child - Have people not realized that this has a suck factor of 3,000? Yeah you get a kid, but with that comes responsibility, a permanent drain on your finances, and a flabby stomach to remind you of the whole experience. Why yes, a Mediterranean cruise sounds perfect for this time of year.

-Cleaning your room, cleaning the bathroom, taking out the trash, doing laundry, and doing the dishes Nobody actually wants to do this stuff. But if I knew there was a reward waiting for me on the other side, I would work quicker AND do a better job. I'll take the dessert sampler thank you.

-Going to work Yes work provides you with a paycheck, but then you have to turn around and allocate that paycheck to every part of your budget, except where you really want it to go. ie: Anthropologie. This might sound surprising but I don't actually want to pay for electricity, water, my apartment, car maintenance, or my IRA. I'd much rather blow ALL of my money on clothes, jewelry, shoes, and Starbucks.

-Eating healthy and going to the gym Like I've said before, some people like these things...but I'm not one of them. If I eat well for a week and work out at least 30 minutes a day, I'd like a day at the spa...just to remind myself that I'm making good life choices. I'd hate for dessert to be the reward for this because it would then undo my oh-so-valiant effort at being healthy.

-Getting a colonoscopy I know those of you that have had one of these must be thinking "Are you kidding? Greatest experience of my life thus far. Laxatives, gas, wiping, and hospitals are my kinda thing. I'd do it again in a heartbeat- with or without a prize." But for me, this could be the worst out of all the things that adults have to do. A new car would suffice as payment. And yes, I'd like a red Lamborghini Diablo. Just deliver it to my door along with flowers, Starbucks, ice cream, and a new wardrobe. Thanks.


Katie said...

First of all, WHO IS YOUR DENTIST because I would like him to give me ice cream after he pulls out my wisdom teeth. Hi, I'm 24 and I'm refusing to have them taken out because HELLO, what if the laughing gas fails and I'm awake during the procedure, hearing my teeth crack and crunch, but I can't communicate that I'm actually going through a level of hell. These are the things I worry about. Ice cream would help alleviate the worry and hopefully reduce my risk of PTSD after such an experience.

Secondly, I would like to add to your list paying taxes and getting your oil changed. Thank you for the new shoes and yes I love these designer jeans.

afulton said...

I loved this post with all of my heart. And I'm with you 100% (especially that bit about Anthropologie).

Kristen said...

Mary. You need to write a book. You have GOT to write a book. I was so proud of you while I read this. You are amazing with your words. This is where all the bitchy judgmental sarcasm will play into making you the BIG bucks and then you can afford all the Anthropologie you want. And then you can take your uber-supportive friends there with you. And then after we blow your big bucks we will celebrate your success with a mexican appetizer sampler and pomegranate margaritas ("Yes, I would like sugar on the rim") followed by ice cream beer floats and uncooked brownies with gummy bears in them. Yes my friend, your future is bright. I'm buying you sunglasses.