Friday, September 17, 2010

Explosion

Have you ever exploded on someone in the wrong place, at the wrong time and in the wrong way? Maybe you had good intentions for the conversation, but you never expected it to take such a drastic turn and for you to reveal your gut-level honest true feelings? You know, those feelings that you've had for 6 months but never had the balls to bring them to the respective people?

Well I had one of these blow-out conversations last night, and it went TERRIBLE. I had high hopes of presenting my thoughts in a beautifully packaged way whenever the time for the conversation presented itself, but I was not prepared for there to be a straw that broke the camels back and for me to just word vomit all over 2 of my friends. One friend said one comment that made me lose it, and before I could even express how I was feeling, I was ugly-crying uncontrollably. Real mature Mary. Way to have a private conversation with two separate people at the same time and in the wrong way.

My feelings had been bubbling under the surface for months and months, and I always knew that I'd need to say something. I would have to. This issue was hurting me too much. My personality and insecurities have completely changed because of the way certain people in my day-to-day life talk about themselves and other people. I've slowly felt like I can't be me anymore, and that me isn't okay.

What a crappy and isolating feeling.

So although in my mind my feelings are valid and legit, I don't necessarily feel that they were treated as such. I had high hopes of presenting my heart in a more receive-able way, and to be understood, but I might have just caused more stress for myself and the others, and not actually communicated the specifics I needed to say. And the situation might not actually get any better because I just cried my way through the whole thing.

Lesson learned- if you're feeling emotional, don't try to have a serious conversation. Unless it's about something you have no personal relation to. If you want to be heard, you can't scream and cry and complain. You have to package things better, and be willing to give specifics and handle the situation if the other person turns defensive.

I wanted my friends to come around me and apologize and hug me and ask me what they could do better and to give them things that they've said that have hurt me so they could better love me. But that didn't happen. And I think I just felt worse. I said things, and showed my true feelings, but since they weren't being received well...I think I just tried to downplay them to get out of the conversation.

So it was a lose-lose for all. But a valuable lesson learned. I know this happens to everyone at some point, but its always better to communicate BEFORE it becomes a big deal. And to do it the right way, not at the height of anger or frustration. Or when you're on your period.

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