Monday, October 31, 2011

Zero

So I'm sorry I haven't written lately. And what I have written hasn't been the least bit interesting. I don't even want to re-read anything because I know its not good. And I'm sorry.

I'm in a rut. A rut in so many ways. I have a new job that requires over an hour commute each way. That is before and after 9 hours of working. I don't know that my heart is able to sustain such long days with no time to cook, work out, read, blog, hang out with friends, or even just sit on the couch. My down time is basically non-existent. Being 100% extroverted, I need stimulation. I need friends. I need close relationships. I need to feel like I'm important and making a difference. But right now I'm just too tired to try. I'm too tired to work out, to cook, to clean, to read, and to hang out with friends.

And I'm feeling suffocated. Like I'm drowning in a sea of people that don't notice or care.

There isn't time for me right now. For my dreams. For my sanity and health. Which I know means everyone around me suffers.

I miss being me. I miss being positive. And truly enjoying and valuing everything that I did. Right now I feel like I'm on a team of one. But I came to the battlefield with no weapons, no armor, and no fellow fighters.

I'm the planner and the orchestrator and the networker. And when I don't plan, no one else picks up the pieces. So right now, all the pieces are on the ground. The weapons are in the shed. And my heart feels like its been buried under 1,000 pounds of brick.

But I hope I can dig it out. Brush it off and and pat it on the back.

But I can't do it tonight. I'm just too tired.